Somewhat late with this entry. Time just slips away. I have so much to do.

Wednesday: Fosca play the Brixton Windmill. An uncertain, compromised occasion, but I feel it goes well from the band point of view, and am happy with it.

Getting all four members in one room has become remarkably difficult. I honestly don’t know how other part-time bands manage to play at all. When there’s no financial incentive to play, one has to accentuate that it’ll be Fun. But playing weekday evenings is no Fun when fragile band members have had a long day at Work. And weekends tend to be reserved for their own individual Fun with lovers and friends. Or they have to do other bits of Work at the weekends too.

So getting hold of one member is hard enough, let alone all of them at the same time. If I start to moan at band members for not being available, they quite understandably get upset with me. And then it all becomes markedly less Fun than before.

Each time I’ve received an invitation to play a Fosca gig in the UK, either I wasn’t keen myself, or unavailable (even I make plans), or I was ready and willing but one of the other members wasn’t available. In the end, I thought the only way to play at all was to say yes first, then find who can play the gig second. Even if it meant just me and a guitar and laptop.

So for this Wednesday night in Brixton, Fosca are myself, Tom and Rachel but no Kate.

From the comments I get afterwards, some of the long-term fans would rather we didn’t play at all than play without Kate. But fans are rarely happy whatever the Artist does. It’s important to listen to criticism, but different people like different things for different reasons. And when you redo everything to fit their suggestions, they can change their mind. You have to do what pleases yourself, first and foremost. The band cliche about ‘if anyone else likes it, it’s a bonus’ should never be the case. You must still write to be read, perform to be watched. But when it comes to pleasing people too, trying to guess what they’ll like, all bets are off. I tried that before, with the initial Fosca incarnation, all proper rock guitar stuff. Some people still think I’m a fool to have stopped that, as it looked dangerously like becoming successful. But it wasn’t me.

Since the first indiepop Fosca gig with Rachel in 1998, I’ve not done anything that wasn’t 100% me, that I wasn’t happy with.

The David Lean 1945 film Brief Encounter is re-released in London cinemas this week. Incredibly, Time Out magazine has given it a damning review. According to them, these days it’s dated, hysterical, cold, unconvincing and irrelevant. They want to see Celia Johnson thrusting about on top of Trevor Howard, or nothing. Brief Encounter gets two out of five stars, the same as the Transformers movie. Die Hard 4 gets three stars.

Not that I’m comparing Fosca to Brief Encounter, but you get my point.

Back to the gig. Though it’s never about the money, we do lose out each time we play live, and that has to come from somewhere. Fosca do earn a little money, but it all goes on rehearsal fees, taxis to move equipment about, mixing costs, and so on. To make a living from music, it’s easier to be anything but a musician. Performers, artists and writers are often the last people to be paid. I don’t begrudge the sound engineer and bar staff for being paid out of the takings before the band get their share, but it can be terribly dispiriting to come off stage having given one’s all, having Worked like never before, and realising one has effectively paid to play, and thus paid to Work.

Many of our fans can’t make it to the Windmill this week anyway, even when it’s been booked for weeks. The Victoria Line tube is closed for engineering works by the time one goes on stage at 10.30pm. And it’s a School Night. And it’s Brixton. And, and, and…

Still, we do our utmost to make the best of the scenario. For tonight, Tom painstakingly learns to play all of Kate’s synth bits on guitar while working in his usual guitar bits at the same time. So we have a far rockier, more guitar-heavy sound than usual, which is controversial with some, but not me.

When the first Fosca album came out, I received an angry letter from a German gentleman. ‘WHERE ARE ALL THE GUITARS?’.

So maybe he’ll like the new album. And all the synth fans won’t. Maybe it’ll be too ‘rock’ for the indie-poppers, and too indiepop for the proper indie guitar types. Maybe they should all get Die Hard 4 on DVD.

Fosca never did quite fit. Which was always the whole point.

Anyway, I like the album, and so does the rest of the band. The melodies are catchy, the words are uncommon. One line from ‘Kim’ is:

‘If alcoholic sex doesn’t count, I’m a virgin’, spoke the hack accidentally out loud.

Frankly, that single line is better than most other groups’ entire lyrical output. But I would say that. And so I do say that.

For this gig, I finally bring my own pristine SM58 microphone (a venue’s own microphones are invariably dented and steeped in the gingivitis of a thousand Pete Doherty clones), and let all the other bands use it. The handsome and exuberant American boy who fronts the Besties covers it with his oral fluids, so I have to give it a bit of a wipe. And then I keep the tissue for later ‘research’. I’m joking.

All the other bands are terribly good, and very classic indiepop. So much so that the Parallelograms play a song that sounds remarkably like Talulah Gosh’s ‘The Girl With The Strawberry Hair’, which I bought when it came out, from Andy’s Records in Ipswich in 1879 or whenever it was. Then I realise The Parallelograms are actually covering the song in question, the C86 arrangements replicated painstakingly, like a Cutie Cutty Sark.

At the Windmill tonight there’s a merchandise stall selling badges and 7″ indie singles. I feel like nothing has changed since my days of regularly going to Sarah Records gigs, 1990-1993. A mixed feeling indeed. Sometimes one wants a world to vanish, in order to moan about it nostalgically. If the world keeps going, with younger faces at the helm, one is denied a certain tidying up, at the risk of saying ‘closure’.

Still, one hears 60s garage rock all the time, same old guitars and drums, same old set up. Nothing really dies. The new music is the old music with younger faces, that’s all. The decision to move on is therefore down to an individual’s inner changes, nothing external. So I have to move on. And Fosca needs to end.

How much of this 2007 indiepop scene is the fault of Belle & Sebastian – the Pastels fans who played the Hollywood Bowl – is debatable. Maybe it would have happened anyway.

The other band on the bill, Sweden’s A Smile And A Ribbon, are possibly the most immaculately stylish indiepop group I’ve ever seen. Very clean and doll-like in their polkadot retro appearance, just as they are in their music. Some songs are actually rather doo-wop and rock and roll in the 50s sense, but with minimum noise. One of them chides me later for not playing any of the older Fosca ‘hits’. I promise her we’ll play Stockholm soon.

Throughout the gig I’m doped up on painkillers for the arthritis (it’s coming and going), and thus think it best to not have more than one drink, downed a full three hours before showtime. So I perform while sober, but numb. An odd sensation indeed. My first ever gigs demanded a certain Dutch Courage, usually a full bottle of red wine. The result was being barely able to perform at all.

For Orlando, we had a strict ‘no alcohol before a show’ rule, a la Dexys. Then for most Fosca gigs I’ve tended to have a couple of drinks to get me loosened up on stage. Not tonight. And yet I don’t feel any more nervous. So I’m now thinking of trying a period of full sobriety for a few months, to see what happens. I’ll start it… at some point.

I ended up calling this week’s gig Fosca’s First Farewell Show, a la Barbra Streisand. The third album will be the last, but it’s not out yet, so we need to play a few more for when it does see the light of day. I’m sending a CDR to a label today.

But this depends on so much else that’s out of my control: the album coming out at all, the other members (Kate included) being available and willing, the right time and place.

From this week’s gig, I have learned that the next Fosca show must:

– feature all four of us.
– take place on a Friday or Saturday evening, with our set over by 9pm, for those who use the phrase ‘school night’, or have trains to catch. Or to anticipate problems with the Tubes.
– be in a London Zone 1 venue, for those who balk at going anywhere less central.
– feature a healthy amount of the older, synth-heavy songs, for those who complain we don’t play our ‘hits’.
– be booked at least three months in advance, in the hope of getting it into people’s diaries before they book something else. People are so busy these days. In London, it’s amazing any social gatherings of more than two people take place at all.

Or it won’t happen at all.

Ideally, I’d like to rent a space that doesn’t normally put on bands, like a bookshop or library. I’d hire a PA and sell tickets in advance. So it’d be like a private view or book launch, but with the new album on sale, and a set from Fosca. No support bands, lovely though the Windmill ones are. I want to play only to an audience of Fosca fans. There’s not many, but there’s more than none.

We also need to play Sweden at least one more time – ideally Stockholm and Gothenburg.

And Barcelona would be nice to visit just the once, given we have a slight fanbase there, too.

As we pack our equipment away, the Windmill DJs play Orange Juice’s ‘I Can’t Help Myself’, and Tom and I dance along, happy. It’s a perfect record that not enough people know. Should have been a massive hit. People are so hard to please.

The singer Edwyn Collins has a new solo album out next month. I know I moan about my problems and frustrations, but his (recovering from two major brain haemorrhages plus a bout of MRSA) rather put things into sharp relief.

Sadness: the mysterious foot pain is mysteriously back (am I now officially arthritic?), and it looks like I’m going to have play this Fosca gig while being unable to walk. Rachel is providing me with extra painkillers. It’s going to have to be pricey taxis from Highgate to Brixton and back. But then, I would have insisted on that anyway.

I did say it’s the last Fosca gig. But perhaps that’s unfair, what with the Victoria Line’s shortcomings preventing some fans from coming. Perhaps we should do a reunion when the album’s out. I don’t know. We’ll burn that bridge when we come to it. A booking agent and record label would make all the difference.

Sadness: the foot pain has also triggered the dreaded depression. I yearn to throw myself into activity, but The Foot isn’t making it easy. It’s coming and going, though.

Happiness (slight): just found out that the forthcoming ‘Doctor Who: Key To Time’ DVD box set includes a previously unscreened 1979 broadcast of Tom Baker reading ‘Late Night Tales’, including Saki’s ‘Sredni Vashtar’. Which is pretty much my idea of heaven. Little spectator indulgences like this may not exactly be a rest-cure (to quote another Saki title), but they help.

Preparing to rehearse with Fosca tonight, for the gig at Brixton Windmill this Wednesday. Kate is on holiday, so we’re playing as a ‘power trio’, ho ho.

Looking forward to it, though I’ve decided it’s going to be the last indie-type gig for Fosca, and for me.

After this, I’m only keen to play the occasional festival, or a special event somewhere more fitting for my aging nerves, such as a theatre, art gallery or library.

I don’t want to stop playing live, but I do want to stop playing those sort of gigs. So it’s the end of a very minor era. Maybe we’re just not popular enough in the UK to NOT play anything but little indie gigs, in which case it will be the last Fosca gig in the UK. Fair enough.

As the Weds gig is a rare headliner, it’s a good one to go out on. Best quit while you’re a headliner.

The first proper Fosca gig – in the format I was happy with – was with Rachel Stevenson, Charley Stone and others in Brixton, 1998. So it’s also ending where it started.

I view this Wednesday as the end of a indie gig-playing ‘career’ that started fourteen years ago. My first was April 1993, at the Monarch (now The Barfly) in Camden. This was as an early version of Orlando, supporting Blueboy. Rachel Stevenson was in the audience. It was a weird, semi spoken-word incarnation, and the gig was actually reviewed in Melody Maker. We put three of the songs on an EP under the name of Shelley, for Sarah Records in 1995.

Then there were the Orlando Romo Years. A proper attempt at pop stardom, a lot of fun, a lot of frustration, some tears, many mistakes, a lot of battles, a good album that’s been called a ‘lost classic’, no regrets.

Then a brief attempt to join them rather than beat them: dark hair, calling myself Richard, forming a proper Nirvana / Oasis-esque rock band. Seeing how the other half rocked. Which was actually in danger of being successful (managers, label interest), so I split it up. To ensure you are yourself, it helps to try being someone else for a while.

Then Fosca proper, indiepop and proud, from 1998 to present. John Peel played us a few times, we got to play gigs abroad, became slightly big in Sweden. I also played guitar for Spearmint for a year, which was again a lot of fun. They sacked me, but it was okay. I fell in love with Scarlet’s Well, and played with them at their first gig. They sacked me, and that was okay too.

I feel that I’ve given it a go. Been there, done that. And though it’s important to never give up on the things you do want to do, the latter no longer applies. I don’t feel a burning need to play London indie gigs anymore, vocationally speaking. It’s no longer my ‘calling’.

The paraphernalia of the entry-level indie band now prevents me from fully enjoying the good bits, ie the actual performance. I didn’t use to mind these things, but now they are in danger of upstaging the good parts. Rehearsal rooms which charge a fortune (gigs rarely make a profit), then provide broken mic stands and sweaty, blokey spaces. Carrying equipment about, worrying about how to get it there and back, dealing with promoters who ask you how many people you can pull, sound checks where the engineer says it’ll be better when there’s people in the room. Having to manage yourself, organise band members, try to steal rare matching time slots from their ever-busier lives. It’s all so increasingly… not me.

There’s also the small matter of my Fosca songwriting pretty much coming to a natural end. I feel I’ve written all the Fosca songs I want to sing, and am in danger of just re-writing what’s gone before. A trilogy of albums is enough. I want to write for others, and in other styles.

Like not hosting Beautiful & Damned anymore, it’s a gut reaction. It feels right to quit after a certain amount of time, in order to try something else.

The next step is to find a suitable label for the final album, which is now finished and ready for mastering. I’m hoping the labels who have shown interest in the past will get in touch. I have no desire in the slightest to do any ‘hustling’. And I don’t really want to put it out online, as a download-only affair. I want a proper CD with nice artwork. Is that so unusual? Maybe.

Please come along on the Wednesday if you can. The promoters have said they’re worried about a low turn-out, because of something called Indie Tracks. One wants to say ‘thanks for the vote of confidence!’, but of course they’re quite right. By crowd-pulling standards in our own country, Fosca are an abject failure. Which again is fine, but as I say (and it’s still nearly a good joke), best quit while we’re a headliner.

Oh, and there’s some problem with the Victoria Line tube that night, too. I am of course taking that personally.

It’s been fourteen years of trying and failing. Stress and worry. Things going wrong. But I’m happy with most of it. I’m happy with the new Fosca album. It’s really rather special. The title is an allusion to the joy of doing things for their own sake, even when no one else is watching or listening or reading. And that’s enough.

So, enough.

www.myspace.com/foscatheband

Thursday last, and I’m in the waiting room of Highgate Group Practice, an unshowy, old-ish building and thus free from the soaring glass walls of the Whittington Wing. It’s like most GP waiting rooms: a few chairs, children’s toys littering the floor, plain white walls, maybe one or two small windows, and a wall-mounted rack of slightly-out-of-date magazines.

I leaf through the Observer Music Monthly’s June edition, which is here for some reason, separated from the rest of the newspaper. I decide that the reason is for me to write about it a whole month later.

It is a Teenager Special, with a feature on new upcoming bands, all of whom have members under 20. There’s also a gaggle of teenage Guest Editors, and the usual pieces on what they’re into, what they’re wearing, and what makes them tick. Myspace, mobiles, types of jeans. Their spotty photos are lined up on the contents page. Some parts of it seem a little patronising, others could even be voyeuristic in the Bill Wyman sense. They are there not for who they are, but for how old they are.

In the case of columnist Paul Morley, it’s an opportunity for a doting father’s indulgence, like the firms who allow a Bring Your Children To Work day. He lets teenager Maddy Morley (relation) take over his space to talk about how she resents sharing her favourite band, The Arcade Fire, with lots of people old enough to be her dad. Including her actual dad.

Actually, author Neil Gaiman has recently been letting his near-teen daughter – another Maddy who gets on well with her father – take over his popular blog, too. So, if in doubt, call your daughter Maddy.

It’s certainly interesting to get the perspectives, but I can’t help thinking in the case of the Observer that the filters of the adult territory can’t help but be ultimately in place. These are teenagers very much aware that they are out of their own world, and must tell the older adults what they want to hear, at least to a certain extent. Some adults are best friends with their children, but others prefer to keep the adults at bay. Says one of the teenage editors, confessing to the obscene slang he uses with his friends, ‘There’s the fact that my Dad might read this and I really don’t want him knowing what I’m saying.’

I’d be interested in the more undeniably predatory side of the teenager’s place in the music industry. Articles from teenagers who have had relationships or affairs with musicians, agents, managers, DJs, or indeed other music journalists, all of whom were old enough to be their fathers. On one page: ‘My Teenage Daughter Writes’. On the other: ‘My Teenage Girlfriend Writes.’

But I think such matters would be out of place for a Sunday supplement. Something about the day of the week and the tradition of the format imbues Sunday newspapers with a kind of laid-back cosiness, even when they say they’re tackling ‘issues’. The Observer is The Guardian in slippers.

Many teenagers are baffling, volatile fountains of sprawling chaos and unfettered unease, and the full horror of what some think about and what some get up to will never quite fit into any newspaper report. Even the News Of The World’s expose on MP Mark Oaten drew the line at describing what it was he actually got up to with his rent boys. They wanted to know, but not know. It’s why I think fiction and drama are far better spotlights for such darker corners. To tell the less printable truth, you need the distance of fiction.

Or comedy. I’m reminded of a sketch from A Bit Of Fry And Laurie. Hugh Laurie is making avuncular banter with a teenage boy at the door, who’s doing Trick Or Treat at Halloween.

Hugh: So. You fond of football, young shaver-snapper?
Boy: Yeah.
Hugh: Do you fancy Arsenal this year?
Boy: No way. I quite fancy my sister though.

Today it is my friend Emma Jackson’s birthday: 29 today. She was in the best teenage band of the 90s, Kenickie. Happy Birthday, Emma.

Late Friday afternoon: to the Whittington Hospital, Highgate Hill, to have my foot x-rayed.

Grumpy woman on main reception. She insists on finishing her magazine article before looking up and speaking to me. I would like to thank the makers of that magazine (the type which jeers at the looks of celebrities on one page and provides make-up tips for looking like celebrities on the other), for keeping their articles short and to the pointless.

Third floor reception. No one there for about a minute, but I’m not in a hurry so I don’t mind. Besides, this enormous new reception area has a ceiling so high it feels one’s outside, and glass walls commanding a spectacular view of the London skyline – as good as the one on Primrose Hill. It’s the way of many modern office blocks, but not enough hospitals. Who needs to sit around reading magazines when you can gaze out and dream at the capital’s skyline?

A handsome and friendly young man appears at the desk, apologising that he was busy eating his Toblerone. He offers me some. When I go through to the inner corridor of X-ray rooms, there’s another mini-reception where one must await further instructions. The man on this one is eating some of the same bar of Toblerone, handed around by his colleague.

He points me to my allocated door, and I go in. The man taking the X-Rays is short, short on English as a first language (Chinese, possibly), and short-tempered. He barks commands at me like an army officer: ‘Lie down there! No, move up! No! Keep still! That’s it, go now!’

He has no Toblerone to speak of.

After being out of sorts for the last few weeks, and thus letting my diary lapse somewhat, today I wake up full of energy and a renewed interest in living life. Funny how depression can be like that.

Sometimes depression feels like admitting defeat, many days spent going to bed and thinking, ‘I’ll feel better the next day.’ For much of the last fortnight, this hasn’t worked at all. I’ve woken up feeling just the same, and have just tried to put a brave face on it, stumbling through the day, clinging to distractions. Comfort food, comfort TV, comfort radio. Whole days of nothing slipping through one’s fingers like sand. Unable to get out of bed for hours on end, and then before I know it, it’s getting on for bedtime. A terrible existence.

At such times, I don’t feel 35 at all. I feel either 15, or 85, or both.

It would be fine if this meant I had the energy, innate connection to new technology and trends, and untrammelled hope of the better kind of teenager; or the wisdom, experience, better dress sense and healthier perspective of the idealised pensioner. The pensioner that is always working.

But no. On days like much of the last fortnight, I get the bad sides of both. From the 15-year-old I have the moaning, carping, sulking, and frustration, plus the sensation of never quite recovering from childhood solipsism. The time in one’s teenage years when you realise that the world really doesn’t revolve around you, that other people regrettably do exist, that you’re on your own from now on. Father Christmas does not exist, but paying rent does. I’ve never quite recovered from that time. Or at least, I must have missed that class at school when they actually tell you HOW to grow up, as opposed to forever shouting at you to do so.

And from the negative aspects of the archetypal 85-year-old, I have the poor health, lack of energy, creeping small-mindedness (if not downright prejudice), resentment of anything new, and a searing mistrust of the young.

So it’s the worst of both worlds. I can be this way for days on end, oscillating from resentful, unproductive teen to resentful, unproductive pensioner. As if it somehow makes sense. As if I enjoy it (I don’t). As if it’s an easier option.

Well, it seems like an easier option at the time. But, in the same way that putting on a t-shirt, jeans and trainers takes the same effort, energy and time as putting on a suit and tie (or at least, it would do for me), depression is a lie.

Depression is as hard work as, well, hard work. Just as being unemployed is a full time job. The energy and time is the same. Not doing any work is hard work too. The time is still spent. The mind is still working.

So the trick is: telling yourself you can’t be bothered to NOT work. Getting on with work without realising you’re getting on with work. Losing oneself in the flow of it. Thinking, but without thinking about the thinking.

My self-help book would be called ‘Take Yourself From Behind’.

I’ve had more than a few messages from strangers on the dreaded Facebook, asking if I’m the Dickon who:

(a) went to the National Youth Theatre in 1991,

or (b) went to Cambridge University and appeared in many stage productions at the ADC Theatre there,

or (c) worked at Euro Disney.

Answers: (a) No. (b) No. (c) No.

So I’ve decided to make things far less confusing for Facebook users.

I’m going to round up all the other Dickons and have them shot.

Only joking, other Dickons.

Thing is, I’m not keen to be tracked down by people from my own past, let alone those from the past of strangers who happen to share my first name. I’m still working on making sense of my present. When I’m happy with that, I’ll be able to properly approach my past.

Until then, such point-scoring school reunions can only go like this:

Them: Dickon! The Dickster! Long time no hear from. Well, then. I’ve got fifteen kids, seven houses, a yachting business in Diss and my own private elephant. And you?

Dickon: Taxi!

Managed to see a GP today after all. She thinks it might be arthritis, and has sent me off to pose for the Whittington Hospital X-Ray Dept tomorrow. It’s a condition more common in the elderly, but having developed varicose veins five years ago, I wouldn’t be at all surprised. If anyone could contract gout in 2007  London, it’d be me. Fits with the image.

In the meantime, I’ve hit the ibuprofen pills (with the doctor’s blessing), and the pain has disappeared entirely. Contrary to what some pop combo wailed a decade ago, the drugs really do work. Good old drugs.

I’d previously laboured under the impression that Neurofen’s type of ibuprofen was somehow better than the cheap supermarket versions. Not so, confirms my GP. Boots, Co-Op, Sainsburys, Neurofen, it’s all the same.

By buying Neurofen over any other type of ibuprofen, you are merely paying for the shiny logo. Though I suppose it could be argued that there’s a healing power in logos, too. Good graphic design can make an aesthete feel better, just as the Olympic 2012 logo makes many feel sick.

I’ve got yet another new ailment to moan about. It’s increasingly difficult not to believe someone out there really does own a voodoo doll.

I’ve either sprained or actually dislocated the big toe on my right foot. And now I can barely walk properly. Presumably it’s by sleeping or sitting for too long in a strange position. I’ve done this to the toe before (and it was definitely from sitting at my desk too long), but in the past it’s righted itself in a few minutes.

Not this time, however. Yesterday, I was shocked to discover I couldn’t even go to the nearest corner shop to buy provisions, without limping very slowly and with a large amount of pain. I was fighting back tears all the way, and must have been an even odder sight on the Archway Road than normal.

So I just went straight back to bed and hoped it would get better.

Now it’s a day later and the toe is still the same. Still can’t put pressure on it without a lot of pain, so I still can’t walk properly.

I’ve a horrible feeling it’s a dislocation, which will have to be snapped back into position without anaesthetic; a procedure that somewhat frightens me.

Off to the GP this afternoon, then. I may have to resort to calling a cab to get there.

A Sunday colour supplement-style pic:

***

From Monday’s London Paper (or as it calls itself on the masthead, ‘thelondonpaper’):

New DVD Reviews
If…
You’ve probably never heard of Lindsay Anderson… He’s Britain’s most underrated director.

Catch And Release
Hands up who’s a bit bored with Kevin Smith doing slacker cameos.

Admittedly, the If…. review does go onto to praise it to the hilt as the classic film it is, but I actually barked aloud ‘Oh REALLY!’ when I read the above sentences on the Tube.

So let’s read between the lines here. Yes, I know it’s probably a silly idea to deconstruct DVD reviews in a free local newspaper. But I’m fascinated about the culture of received opinions and media consensus, and what some now call ‘being on the same page’.

The anonymous reviewer is assuming a couple of things about the average London Paper reader. As their publication is one of the free dailies thrust aggressively into the hands of passers-by, or picked up by bored commuters when left on the seats of buses and underground trains, the readership is presumed to be pretty much anyone walking about in London.

Going by these reviews, the average Londoner:

(a) is meant to be have never heard of Lindsay Anderson.

(b) is meant to know who Kevin Smith is.

(c) is meant to respond well to the phrase ‘Hands up who’s a bit bored with…’ As opposed to feeling they’re being treated like a school pupil. Or that a gun is pointed at their head. Which may as well be the case with the newspaper’s pushy distributors on the streets, but I digress.

This kind of faux matey, playing-to-the-gallery journalism assumes everyone’s just like the reviewer, or that the reviewer assumes he knows what the reader is like. It’s as if they’re writing with a big list pinned up on the nearest wall, detailing just which names the readers are meant to have heard of. Kevin Smith, yes. Lindsay Anderson, no.

Who wrote this mighty list in the first place? Who has decreed just which names are osmotically lodged in the memories of strangers, and which ones need a little explanation?

This increasingly common style of review writing is not only unhelpful, it insults the reader’s intelligence. And it’s arguably a dangerous line of thinking.

It bullies the reader into becoming part of some homogenous crowd, where everyone is familiar with the same limited number of books, films, artists, musicians, celebrities. A fixed quota of names to have heard of. If you’re not aware of them, or if you know about anyone else at all, you are not just ‘out of touch’. You are The Other. And then it’s only a matter of time before the burning pitchforks appear.

So yes, I have heard of Lindsay Anderson, who is hardly ‘Britain’s most underrated director.’ The BFI have always had If…. in their Top 20 Critics’ Poll. But according to the London Paper, you’re not meant to have even heard of the director. Which therefore makes me ‘Other’ from their average reader.

I know who Kevin Smith is too. I like Mr Smith’s Clerks and Mr Anderson’s If…., because they’re both brilliant and original films about different types of boyishness (on one level), and are both very much products of their respective times and settings.

I also know If…. has four dots in the titular ellipsis, not three.

There’s worrying about going over readers’ heads. And there’s asking them to duck.